ONE skill that can really change your life

I live in Northern California. And I’m a hugger.

Giving and receiving hugs is part of the joy that keeps me going so “keeping a distance” stirs up a lot of old feelings of loneliness, isolation and loss. Yet lately the physical distancing isn’t keeping me from feeling close to others. In fact, the connection I’m experiencing with family, friends and community is overwhelming and beautiful. My deepest hope is that despite the range of uncomfortable feelings you may be experiencing, that you're also finding soul-affirming support and love as well…and know that we are getting through this, together.

Right now, while hugs aren’t an option, I’m finding how powerful it is to be more present with myself and the people I love. And now felt like a good time to highlight one skill that really can be the difference-maker. 

I spend a lot of time on my blog writing about how shame shows up when we’re called to use our voice. And I spend a lot of time with clients, coaching them how to tell their story and be clear, which is, fundamentally, helping them be more direct and more vulnerable. 

As important as speaking up, owning your voice, sharing your vulnerabilities are, the number one skill that can change everything in life has nothing to do with what you say or how you say it. It’s not about the words you choose, or the way you think. And it certainly isn’t about which speech-framework to use.

The number one skill is… drum roll...

Wait a sec. I have a story for you.

I was lying in bed this morning and said to my husband, “I didn’t sleep well.”

He responded, “Yeah I woke up at 3:30am and didn’t fall back to sleep for a while.”

I know. It’s harmless pillow talk. He just finished colorectal cancer treatment last month. It’s been a hell of a year. We’ve managed through and I’m proud of us; mostly proud of him. I should give him a break.

Instead, I offer in a calm yet soothing voice, “Hey Babe, can I explain one little thing about Listening? When I say something about myself, instead of saying something about yourself can you…”

He interrupts, “Empathize, right?” (I know, I know, he’s a good guy.)

“Well yes, empathizing is great but what I was going to say was maybe get Curious…Like, ask me more about what I just said -- something like, Oh no, what happened?”

You might be thinking, "Katherine, the number one skill in the time of shelter-in-place is for you to communicate nicely with your spouse." And that’s definitely a good one.

But for today’s purposes, what I’m talking about is the number one skill that can change your life, your work and all of your relationships and is needed now more than ever.

It’s Listening.

Beautiful things happen when we Listen. 

We get out of our own way. We show up.

We don’t think about what we’re going to say. We get curious. We get present.

Every time you really listen, you stop thinking about what you’re going to say, you don’t even think about yourself. You get curious, you let us take our time…. without jumping in.

Being listened to softens our armor and gives us the gift of operating from a more authentic, generous place. And simultaneously, focusing on what someone is saying can soften you up and help you come from a more loving place, too.

Listening to understand is a skill that any of us can develop over time. Like speaking in front of others, it’a muscle you can build.

We’re in the midst of a reset and the good news is that all this hunkering down is allowing us to be together …. A LOT. Whether I’m pillow talking or Zooming, I’m going to work on Listening Longer, with a little more compassion and a lot more Love.  

“What lies behind us, and what lies before us are but tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” - Emerson

PS. And for those of you who’d rather not practice with their spouse, children or roommate but want to learn the skill of listening [and speaking], I want to invite you into a best kept secret: Speaking Circles. Founder Lee Glickstein is a master at creating a warm and safe space where participants can find their voice. He understands that speaking is really about the connection you make with others. You can be anywhere and be part of a Speaking Circle because Lee has a Zoom online option. Learn more here.