What to say when you need to think on your feet

My 18 year-old niece tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Aunt Katherine, you need to say something.” 

I had finished my honey-mustard salmon and was in the midst of deciding if I was going to order another glass of wine. 

“I’m not sure we need to do toasts tonight,” I responded. 

The dimple on her right cheek formed. I wasn’t sure if she was going to laugh or get upset with me as she tapped my shoulder again, “No really Aunt Katherine I think you need to say something.”

Inside my own head, the conversation was…

“Oh they’re tired of hearing from you. You’re always too much. We don’t need another toast.”

When I’m put on the spot, every reason not to speak—rumination, shame, inner critic—pops up, even for me. One of my dear friends named that voice Rebecca, after a bully from grade school. Whatever you call it, the self-talk inside of us needs to be tamed. That’s one voice we should all dismiss more often.

But in this case, I didn’t dismiss it. Instead, I said, “No no, I think we’re good.”

Then came The Hammer. 

“Aunt Katherine, I want to say something, but you need to go first.”

Now this was larger than me. I looked at this radiant young woman who I am lucky enough to call my niece and said, “Okay. Message received!” 

Within seconds I clinked my glass and stood up. I wasn’t sure exactly what I would say but I thought, hey, I’m with my family. I can do this…. Not for me, but for her. For them. 

***

I’m not sure if the bar is lower when you’re with the people you love most. Or if it’s higher because you care more about what these people think than the rest of the world. Either way, I do have a few Go-To tricks to pull off a toast or speaking engagement when your niece taps you on the shoulder and doesn’t take no for an answer. When you have to think on your feet. It’s my experience that you’ll never regret it…and neither will they.

Clink your glass, and then wait. 

I had a client say he just starts speaking and hopes people will notice and eventually tune in. Nope, don’t do that. You can pull people in by looking around. It’s like signaling to the group that you’ll wait until people stop talking. They’ll feel that presence and eyes will turn to you. 

Look at one person, not at the sky. 

It’s the idea of ‘performing’ that makes most people nervous. On the other side of a performance is an audience… who judge. But when you’re having coffee or drinks with a friend, you don’t sweat over every word you’re saying. No, you focus on the connection between you. So get centered by remembering you’re just talking to someone. This isn’t a performance, it’s a conversation. Trust what comes to mind from the connection you’re making. 

Make your point, and stop talking.

My parents always said, “Leave a party while you’re having a good time!” I didn’t always follow that advice, but I do believe it’s true. And it’s true for making a point. Tell one story or share your love – keep it short and sweet, then sit down. 

This evening, I didn’t feel moved to tell a long story or make everyone laugh. My purpose was to break the ice and share some love for my dad, my parent’s 57 year-marriage and for my whole family seated there. 

My quick words gave permission not only for my niece to say how she felt, it turned into full participation with everyone sharing what my father means to them, too.  

When you’re called to speak, don’t panic, because it really isn’t about you. It’s about expressing what’s inside of you to elevate and crystallize a moment in time.

I popped up again [I guess I got over those thoughts in my head] and added,

“I have one more quick thing to say! What I love about you, Papa, is your endless capacity to give.”

The purpose of speaking to a group is something I learned from The Best; it’s to give.