7 steps to confront with love
The strangest request came in a couple years ago from one of my clients.
Smart, engaged, with an entire career under her belt, this client had initially come to me for help expressing why she cared so deeply about certain philanthropic causes, to help these organizations raise money. (Fundraising is all about story-sharing, standing in other people’s shoes, and supporting common values.)
That wasn’t strange. It was when she mentioned needing help with the neighbor’s dog.
The dog had been left outside in the cold and the rain for over a month. She wanted to confront the people next door but didn’t know how, what, or when...but she certainly knew why. Strange request, yes. Crazy, no.
When you confront someone, you are taking a risk that someone might not agree with you. Someone might talk about you. Someone might not like you. And when someone doesn’t agree with you, talks about you or decides not to like you, it doesn’t feel good.
In fact, for us pleasers who seek approval, who need harmony, these risks can feel traumatic enough to keep us from using our voice and speaking our truth. So we stay quiet. We become small.
If you’re going to change someone’s behavior, you certainly can’t stay quiet. You also can’t just come out and tell people what you expect them to do. Just ask my teenagers.
This is where the gift of story comes in. Telling your story (in this instance) doesn't mean sitting down and starting with where you were born, what values your parents passed down to you or when you took a risk growing up. That is for when you work on your business pitch or personal story.
Telling your story means bringing someone closer to who you are and what you care about. It can mean showing up in your truth -- and being direct with what you see, feel, and want.
And if you get hung up on the word ‘confrontation’, reframe. You are speaking up because you love them (or that dog). When I confront someone, in business or in life, I tell myself I am confronting with love.
So here’s the framework:
Say what you notice.
Say how it makes you feel.
Say why it is important to you.
Say what you wish could be.
Then stop talking. Seriously, stop talking.
Listen. Don't listen just to give them a turn to speak. Listen to understand.
And most important: accept whatever the outcome.
(I’ve written out some examples below, so you can see this at work.)
Frameworks keep you focused, on topic, and on track. Breathing calms your central nervous system. Practicing out loud is good, too.
Bringing our inside thoughts out into the stratosphere can be scary. Being direct with someone else about what you see, feel, and want takes courage. Being yourself out loud can feel vulnerable. Especially if you are hoping to change someone else’s behavior.
But being yourself out loud — whether others come along with you or not— can also be what sets you free.
I think that dog would agree.
