On love ❤️ dance moves🕺🏻 and making the most of a moment 🙏

“Don't you feel a little exposed, Duncan?!”

My husband is shaking his hips, doing his signature dance move, aptly called the pencil sharpener.

We had slipped away from our kids and responsibilities for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary. The sky was dark. The stars were out. Sonos was blaring Kool and the Gang. And the beach house with windows-on-every-wall-and-no-shades was making me feel vulnerable to judging passers-by.

Why doesn't he seem to care who sees him? What is wrong with him?

Hello Shame.

Shame is that endless loop of inner dialogue that (mistakenly) rolls off your tongue in the form of disdain, directed at your innocent, dancing, daring husband of 22 years.

Shame was designed to help you steer clear from danger, but often creeps out sounding more like control. Shame will rear its ugly head when you look into the green light of a camera or step on a stage. It will slide out sounding like judgment during the most benign pencil-sharpening dance moves. Shame can suck the joy out of almost any experience, even the most private anniversary getaway.

I’ve been investigating shame for years and still find myself needing to take the reins and talk back to that voice inside.

Katherine, he’s doing the dance that made you laugh out loud the night you met over two decades ago. Who cares who’s watching? What is wrong with you?

The worst part about Shame is that it yanks you out of the present.

So I stop loading the dishwasher and look at my husband’s 6’7'' chiseled body still dancing-the-fool. He is oblivious to the conversation I'm having in my head. I zero in on his boyish, 56-year-old face and smile. I acknowledge to myself that I’ve missed the chance to Celebrate Good Times with him just now, but I take a deep breath and walk around the kitchen island as he thumbs through his phone to find the next song. I crane my neck up to make eye contact and take his hands as Billy Joel joins us on Sonos and we do the Pretzel... as if no one is watching.

I spend a lot of time helping people find their words, their truth, and their courage to muffle shame and take the plunge to say something true and meaningful at a celebration, meeting or in a conversation.

I ask clients about their inner thoughts and feelings, what they hear themselves saying to themselves, what the conversation is, constantly abuzz in their brain. Shame talks to all of us.  And it takes time to sift through all the chatter to find and express what you truly want to say. But we work on that together: we reflect, we investigate and we discover what’s inside that wants to come out.

In hindsight, after reflecting, investigating and discovering, I might have explained to him, “I’m the one who feels exposed. I’ve revealed my deepest, most vulnerable feelings to you...day in and day out...for 22 years! You’ve let me share the chatter inside my head and sometimes when it is directed at you, the words [and tone] are wrong. You’ve let me in, too, and I love the life and family we’re creating. Thank you for loving me. And thank you for always making me laugh!”  

But instead I look into his blue eyes as we dance to our wedding song and together we mouth the words,“You’re my castle; you're my cavern; and my instant pleasure dome; I need you in my house, because you're my home.”

I invite you to find a quiet moment and try this introspection this season. Reflect, investigate, and listen long enough to discover what really needs to be said. 

Or, of course, you can close the dishwasher, put on the tunes, and stand up to the chatter so that you can find the peace and joy that comes from dancing with the person you love.

Either way, enjoy these simple moments, because it’s all we really have. Let’s make the most of  them.