Get Real…with the people who matter the most

Over spring break, my husband Duncan, and our kids Joey and Kate, went to see our oldest son Charlie who is studying in Spain this semester. We met his host family in Barcelona, ate tapas in the Gothic quarter, and flew to the little island of Mallorca for three days.
 
And yet the highlight of the trip wasn’t just where we were, but what happened on a day trip up to the northern tip of the island.
 
The night before I said, How about we have a family meeting tomorrow?
 
You see, my father introduced ‘family meetings' when I was in my early 20's. It was a foreign concept and yet so simple: set aside a few hours when we gathered over the holidays to check in and hear what’s going on. No specific agenda. And no reason other than to create a space to listen to one another. I didn't realize 30 years ago how legendary this concept was but I’m starting to understand now as a truth-, courage-, and connection-seeking parent and adult.
 
And yet, simple stuff can be hard.

Even though they know I love this kind of stuff, it took my own dose of courage to suggest to our family of adult-like teenagers to spend tomorrow sharing more of what is going on inside of us. 
 
And finding the right moment took a little persistence, too.
 
During breakfast I said, You guys still up for this? In the car driving to the beach I asked, Probably not now, huh? I heard, Mom, we need to see each other, let’s wait. When we sat down to lunch, we looked at each other and almost in unison said, What about now?

And that's where it started. First Joey then Kate. Later at dinner we started back up with Charlie, then Duncan, then me.
 
Each of us reflected on what our year had been like, what we were proud of, what we were struggling with. Every voice had a different flavor, every moment uniquely our own.
 
When I came home, I felt energized, re-charged, and grateful - and frankly, a little exhausted, too:) I described this magical day to anyone who would listen. I heard: “My family would never have done that growing up.”  "My kids are teenagers and I don't know if they would want to tell me what is really going on with them!”  “Oh it might be too late for me to pull something like that off.” 

I understand. It's so easy to get caught up in old dynamics. It can be hard to do real talk even in our families, maybe especially in our families. And yet, when we can listen deeply to each other without any cross talk, we can get closer to the people who actually matter the most. We get to share more of the person we are on the inside and we show up for those we love on the outside. 

Esther Perel has said the quality of our lives is determined by the quality of our relationships. And yet the quality of our relationships has everything to do with learning how to be more vulnerable, more real. 

You don't need to travel far and wide to have an authentic conversation. But you do need courage to create the space to listen, share and connect. Not everyone will automatically know what to do, what to say, or how to go a little deeper. But that's okay. It takes someone to bring the team together, to speak to what matters. Even in a family, the most important team of all. Maybe that person could be you?
 

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I would love to hear about any family-type meetings that have worked - or not:)

If you any questions about how to lead one, let me know!