Why you need to keep telling your stories

I was sitting on Zoom listening to a social entrepreneur talk about slogging through the years of building, growing and leading his organization from the ground up.

I was focused on his story and couldn’t help but be reminded of my early years of building Summer Search, a national nonprofit. Yes, I hear his experiences and think of my own. That’s what stories do. You listen and find connections. It’s natural. It’s just how our human brains and hearts work.

And even though I had helped him craft this very story, I still managed to get swept away. Because a good story can be told many times and still make an impact. In fact, stories are meant to be told over and over again.

Like the story my dad used to tell us. It was about my parents’ first fight. Mom was mad; no one can recall what about.

When he asked in earnest, “Do you still love me?” she responded, “Love has nothing to do with it.”

It took many years of being in my own marriage to understand the big wisdom this little story was sharing.

Which is, we each bring, to every conversation, thoughts, beliefs and feelings about ourselves.

Because of the stuff already in his head, my dad “heard” I don’t love you anymore. Not at all what my mom was thinking, feeling or saying.

We’re always thinking we know what someone is thinking, feeling, saying about us. It’s called projection. In reality it’s what that pesky little mean voice of ours is saying to ourselves. It’s a  story we’re telling ourselves. And the stories we tell ourselves can be the most damaging of all. [I don't think I really in-my-bones understood all of this until my 40’s.:):)]

Stories carry juice, the sweet nectar of life, and sometimes the best stories, the ones that carry the most wisdom, carry a lot of heat.

Stories can be powerful, even when you hear them over and over again. The story about my parents’ fight first taught me that just because you’re mad at someone doesn't mean you don’t love them.

And over time I understood what else my father was also trying to say.

Which is, you never really know what is going on inside someone until you ask.

Sometimes it takes a little while for stories to sink in. Sometimes we need our own experiences to teach us the beauty of life’s hard won wisdom.

And sometimes we just need to hear your story. The one that shares what you really think, what you really feel, who you really are. Not just the person you wish someone saw you as.

And remember, we can’t know – and either can you – what’s going on inside of someone… until you ask.

We need to look hard at the stories we create and wrestle with them. Retell and retell them and work with them like clay. It is in the retelling and returning that they give us their wisdom.

--Marni Gillard