On being brave, trusting hard and letting go

Stop! Stay out of my life!

I had just asked if he was wearing his retainer. I knew in my bones it wasn’t a good idea to ask my 19-year-old son who had just started college this question, but I couldn’t help myself. Isn’t it my job to make sure everything is okay?

Turns out, the answer is… well, you know the answer. It’s not my job.

I’m in a big transition. My second child is off to college. You might feel like reminding me that I still have one child at home, but my daughter is so… independent. Kate drives. She manages her schedule. She does her homework. She even turns off her phone and her light at a reasonable hour, as far as I can tell.

I felt what I now understand to be anticipatory grief all summer. Joey — my Joey — he’s leaving. And yet, every end is a new beginning.

The mornings are easier. The grocery runs are lighter. The list of family-life to-dos is shorter. A new chapter opened up for my parents after their youngest (which is me) left for college, and I trust it will for Duncan and me, too.

And my book. It’s launched, it’s soaring, with Speaking to What Matters Circleslining up through the new year. My plate (and heart) is full.

So after Joey told me what he felt, I got in the car and went to the grocery store. I pushed my oversized cart up and down aisles, trying to process what little food I needed to stock in the fridge for the weekend and what sense to make from my kind, soulful son whose steadiness and openness have always been an anchor to me.

And then somewhere between the freezer section and the keto granola, I heard my dad’s voice. “Letting your child go is an act of love.”

My dad had so many sayings, and this was one he told me on a walk a few years ago before he died. I teared up a bit. And then I felt a lightness in my chest.

Joey said what he needed. It's time to let go… of the details at least. Joey’s got this. It’s not my job to make sure everything is okay. It’s my job to trust. Maybe that’s what it was all along.

I’ve had a lot of conversations lately about trusting the universe. Trust in a universe where everything can change on a dime. Maybe that is what anxiety really is, anticipatory grief. Knowing that everything can and will change.

Like the phone call I received last week, from Joey. His basketball season isn’t going to happen the way he was hoping due to some prior injuries flaring up. Life will go on, and so will he. I was tempted to blame Duncan (Duncan was next to me in bed and had nothing to do with Joey’s injury) but I caught myself. Where do we put our anger, our disappointment, our grief, anticipatory or otherwise? Let me tell you, not towards the person lying next to you. LOL

I, of course, will be here for my son, if I can do anything, which I’m not sure I can, save for a few phone calls and medical bills. (This morning I went to the foot doctor's office get one of his XRay's from last year, but they needed Joey's signature because he's over 18 years old, omggg) I need to trust in the universe out there, in the voice inside of me that tells me everything is going to be okay. And I have to remind myself that letting  go doesn’t mean leaving; it means trusting that he'll tell me when to stay out of things, and he’ll also tell me when to step in. I’ll show up when he needs me. Maybe even after I’m gone, just like my dad did.

Speaking of showing up… my book launch was beautiful. People are reading the book. People are buying the book. People are even waiting for the book to come in the mail. Thank you, dear people!

I’ve received an outpouring of love, but more than anything, the word that I keep hearing over and over is BRAVE. So yeah, maybe I’m braver than I thought. Or maybe I’m becoming braver as I type. All I know is that I’m putting trust in that big universe that my little book lands in the hands (and hearts) of the people who need to read it, learn from it, and can be changed by it. Maybe that person could be you?

PS. If you’ve read my book, awesome!!! Please sign up for a free 75-minute Speaking to What Matters Circle on Wednesday, November 15th, at 10:30 am PST on good ole Zoom. This is exclusively for my readers. Space is limited. We will reflect on my story but spend most of the time digging into your story. I hope you will join me, here!

PPS and if you still want to get your hands on my book, here is the link!